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Everything you always wanted to know about Judaism,
but were too afraid to ask!
New questions and answers will be added to this page
on a regular basis, so please remember to return here.
Have your Halacha questions answered. (Use the link
below to ask your own questions. Please state if you
would like a personal reply and ensure you include your
email address.)
Please note that previous questions answered
by Rabbi Livingstone are suffixed by
RL. New questions answered by Rabbi
Anthony are suffixed by RA.
Email
to your new questions to Rabbi Anthony
Questions about marriage,
in no particular order.
Is it correct
that under halacha a newly married man cannot spend
a night away from his wife during the first year of
their marriage? There have to be some exceptions - i.e.
the man having to travel for business, or a family emergency,
or even just to spend a night with his parents.
Apart from the command that a man cleave to
his wife [Genesis 2:24]; a newly married man,
during the first year of marriage, has a special
obligation of 'gladdening his wife' [Deuteronomy
24:5] in order to secure and consolidate the
relationship - as joy brings closeness. This
means that he must make a particular effort
during this time and endeavour as far as possible
not to be away from her. If, however, he needs
to travel for an important reason then, providing
he has her permission, this is allowed. RL
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What
is the significance of breaking a glass at the
chuppah ceremony? I am getting married soon
and am a bit worried glass will go flying everywhere!
There are many explanations given for this beautiful
and evocative ritual - several of which I will
explain shortly. But the primary one is in order
to introduce a moment of solemnity, and even
sadness, at a time of very high joy. This is
in order to fulfill the obligation to remember
the destruction of the Temple and the suffering
of Jewish history which we never allow ourselves
entirely to diminish or forget. This is the
reason that the somber tune Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim
(which is a verse from Psalms translating “Should
I forget you, Oh Jerusalem, let my right hand
lose its cunning”) is often sung at this
time.
The breaking of the glass also reminds us of
the fact that sadness always lurks just behind
joy when we reflect on those loved ones who
would have loved to have attended but are no
longer alive. So we break the glass, creating
a sense of something broken and lost, in their
memory.
Some suggest that the breaking of the glass
further symbolises a breaking with the past
- a sense of “out with the old and in with
the new”. The new couple are no longer
just boyfriend and girlfriend, or fiancés
- but have been spiritually joined under the
Chupah and thus transformed by the marriage
ceremony. Our prayer and hope for them is that
they do not look back but only forward toward
a fulfilled and blessed life.
Finally, the breaking of a small glass represents
a hope for a larger more expansive life. Whereas
their individual blessings may have been limited
and relatively small, we now wish the newlyweds
a new, much larger, shared cup of life, overflowing
with new blessing and abundance.
So don’t worry about flying glass (it
needn’t fly around in any event, just put
it inside a cover!) but rather focus on the
wonderful and rich allusions in this special
moment. Mazel Tov! RL
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I have
heard that men are supposed to go to the mikveh
just before they get married. What are the reasons
behind this?
These days men are not obligated to immerse
in a mikveh before marriage - or any other time
for that matter. But there is a custom among
some for them to do this before Shabbat,Yom
Tov, and Yom Kippur - and before spiritually
momentous events like getting married. In a
sense, the reasons for this are not entirely
dissimilar to those underpinning a woman’s
use of the Mikveh (which is an actual mitzvah).
Water is attributed with the power to refresh,
renew, heal, and cleanse away all that has gone
before. This spiritual effect is mentioned in
many sources both in the Torah and the Talmud.
One of the famous examples is Kings 5:1 which
tells the story of Naaman who was healed of
his leprosy by the power of water. Elsewhere,
the spirit of the Torah itself is compared to
water.
For all of these reasons it is little wonder
that when making a fresh start in life through
marriage, it is important to leave past issues,
mistakes, and previous experiences behind in
favour of beginning with the freshest possible
slate. Using the mikveh assists in this process
as well as providing a very graphic experience
to re-enforce what is going on. From a psychological
perspective, being able to cleanse oneself spiritually
in this way, re-enforces many of the positive
benefits of marriage as well as the need constantly
to work toward improving oneself in order to
be the best spouse, partner, friend and parent
that one can be.
Having said all this, taken in isolation the
magic of the mikveh is powerless without a firm
resolve to infuse one’s life and marriage
with commitment, spiritual awareness, growth,
and constant renewal. RL
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I am
getting married soon and have been learning
about the intricacies of the chuppah ceremony.
I have heard different things about how many
times the bride should circle the groom –
once, thrice or seven times – and am not
sure which one I should do?
The two most popular versions of this custom
are three or seven circuits; with seven being
the most commonplace. On the other hand, some
prefer not to do it at all. There are many explanations
for the custom of the bride circling her groom.
RL
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My mum
wants me to marry my girlfriend of eighteen
months in an Orthodox
synagogue but my mother-in-law wants the ceremony
to take place in a Reform synagogue. I want
to keep them both happy but how do I strike
a balance?
I have come across this particular predicament
on a number of occasions – and not only
with regard to which synagogue the wedding should
take place in! Only you and your girlfriend
will quite understand the dynamic at play here.
My advice – and I am biased on the matter
– is to prefer, for a host of reasons,
the orthodox ceremony. As long as you have gone
through that type of Chupah, either with all
the trimmings, or even as the simplest of ceremonies
then, if no other modus vivendi can be found,
some type of Reform blessing or ceremony could
also ensue. Best to seek out a sympathetic rabbi
for more specific guidance tailored to your
circumstances. On a completely different track,
why don’t you and your girlfriend, who
surely matter most of all in this, decide what
you want and stand firm together in gently putting
that to both mums. RL
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What
is the Jewish view on contraception?
The first mitzvah in the Torah is to procreate
i.e. to have children and generally not contracept.
But, unlike some other religions, Judaism also
recognises that this will not always apply or
be practicable. These matters are very individual
but, as a broad brush principle, it is fair
to say that contraception can be allowed depending
both on the personal circumstance and the precise
method used. My advice – always ask a rabbi
you can discuss this with face to face rather
than a virtual one! RL
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Given that
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses all married out, why
is it that mainstream Judaism is so opposed
to intermarriage. If it was good enough for our
forefathers - who all enjoyed very successful relationships
- not to mention God, why is it not good enough
for us?
All the cases that you mentioned are taken from the
very early history of the Jewish nation before
intermarriage was forbidden. Halachic Judaism
only really began much later, after the revelation
at Sinai - not in the lifetimes of our Patriarchs
and Matriarchs. As an integral part of that
eternal covenant, we undertook to observe many
mitzvot - such as only marrying fellow Jews
- designed to preserve us as a distinct people;
something that had not been nearly as critical
in the past as it would be for the future! RL
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